FB Break

I've been thinking about it and I've decided I'm going to do it.  I'm a person with my heart in many places; Washington, Minnesota, North Dakota...Facebook allows me to have connections with all those places not to mention all the other places people have moved to.  I do not intend to give it up entirely.  I'm not breaking from other forms of multimedia.  I do however want to be more present in my current situation.  One that is new, provoking, stretching, and yes lonely.  I had to write a spiritual formation story of my past for one of my classes and I found it more difficult than I anticipated.  I kept thinking how odd it was for me to not be able to put my feelings down on paper when I've always considered myself to be a verbal processor and a lifelong journalist.  I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that much of my journaling stopped with Facebook coming into my life.  One little liners of my day or how happy or sad I was made me feel good to put out into the void of the web.  Then I so easy got caught into posting other people’s writings, blogs and such, which spoke to me and then made me feel like I’ve poured my heart out, which is stupid.  All I did was make 2 clicks to feel self-important, “look at me, aren’t I thoughtful for reading this”.  Don’t get me wrong I’ve been blessed by other people’s postings, but when I post something that touches me, I’m not assimilating it, I’m just showing off.  I want to assimilate things into my heart and mind.  Writing does that for me, not facebook posts.  Then there’s the idea of watching people’s lovely lives go by and let’s face it, we don’t post the real stuff, just the stuff that looks cool though a filter from Instagram.  This really came home to me watching all the Facebook Movies people were posting.  I watched mine and HATED it.  It showed nothing of what my life has been for the last how many years.  I know it was just some computer program choosing things from a mathematical equation, but it was depressing.  So I’m taking a break, and I will most likely streamline my page when I go back to it.  Like I said I don’t want to give it up.  For the people that I maintain a real relationship, Facebook gives me a real visual of what’s going on.  I love to see posts of the babies I’ve held or the marriages that I look up to, or the shared moments I’ve had, but I need more shared moments, not watching other people’s moments go by.

Another decision?

I've wanted to start blogging again, but I keep going back and forth with whether to journal or blog. Frankly I get a little weirded out by the fact that people can read whatever I write. I've always tried to be honest with my thoughts, but at the same time if you know someone is reading something there's a certain amount of "presentation" you put to it. With journaling you don't have to do. You can blah, blah, blah all you want. Then again as a blogger I'm not forcing anyone to read my thoughts. So here's a post about my thoughts...

I don't want to be an adult. I don't like looking at my calender and not having a free night for 2 weeks, or the fact that I have to plan a cup of coffee or a shopping day with friend. But the worse part about all this is as an adult your life is made up of your own choices. I chose to work a retail job that makes it difficult to see my friends. I've chosen, to a point, to be single and need a job to support myself. I've decided to live in MN and have to be couped up in the house for 9 months of the year due to hot and cold weather. I use to think as an adult, you make the decisions you want, not your decisions make you who you are. Is this something someone forgot to tell me or was I not listening?

So here I am making another decision to at least do one post, but will it make me feel obligated and become another thing that defines me?

The Dot and the Line: A Romance in Lower Mathematics

I love this cartoon

Haven't Died

So I'm still alive, and DONE WITH CLASSES!!!!! I finished 2 Thursdays ago, with the worst test I have ever had to endure (I use to think Pilly's Dr. Orton tests were bad, HA!). During this last class I found myself dealing with the same frustrations I did during my last couple of months at Pilly. God is so good. At that time (also 7 years ago), God took me to the edge of what I could handle, let me look down into the chasm, then brought me away from it. Now back at that chasm I found myself climbing slowly down and back up again. Had it been me orchestrating my life, I would have just left chasm there, sat down and ignored it while thinking "one point for the other team" and I would have been OK with that. Yet God, with a sense of humor, brought me back to the same place. Know I can laugh in fulfillment that my work is done and I am now a college graduate.

STRESSED OUT
My last class is going to be the death of me.

Exposing myself

I mentioned a post back or two that I've been dealing with my dependence on other things (or really a lack there of). I found myself a couple of months ago joining a small group (oh, and joining Bethlehem Church). After a year and a half of enjoying sitting in church pew or chair and revitalizing myself through streamlining my life I finally felt like I needed to get involved. At this point I really am not ready to do any type of ministry, but to be in real fellowship with my church family has been such an eye opener. Let me go back two years ago.

Moving to MN was a fresh start for me. Not just a feeling, but really a desire and a purposeful decision. But after a year or two I found myself in the same problems. I felt run-down, tired, without purpose, and spread to thin. I could feel myself scratching the dry toast of my life underneath my job, church, ministry, and relationships. I hated myself for being in the same rut. At this point I knew my life had the ability to change, but I didn't know how to change my feelings or actions. This really upset me. At this point God started to deal with me. I knew that if I was feeling unsettled in a life I had chosen for myself then I was the one making bad decisions. So I stopped. I stopped everything. Some of this stopping was really bad for me (like everything that happened in my old job), some of it was AWESOME for me. Once I stopped everything I noticed I felt absolutely raw. Like I wasn't me. The great thing about this raw feeling was it felt real. It had been a long time since I had let go and God started sanding down the edges I had always hated. My dead skin, like a cleansing facial at the spa, was being removed and my new skin felt tender and unsure.

In some ways I am still tender and unsure. No where is this feeling more apparent than in my small group at church. Growing up in the same church with the same people naturally creates a sense of family and community. I remember telling myself I didn't need that with an other group. What I failed to realize was that if God was calling me to a new church then God was calling me to be in fellowship with it. WHAT A BLESSING! I think the best part is getting to know people with the intention of deepening my relationship God. This isn't a social environment, although it can be, but it's true fellowship. And I love it.

Facebook

So I joined Facebook the other day. I admit to it being really fun. Surfing around I found a timeline based on my friends and when I met them and there's a blank space during the years of 2001 to 2003 and it says "you were underground for a while". I had to laugh reading that. Those were the years when I was back in Washington. Granted I was living back in my own stomping ground so my social life didn't need expanding, but it just struck me as funny I felt most isolated during the time I wasn't meeting new people.